“The Girl Who Judges Everyone” (Part III)

In another part of the house, China and Gabriel have finally left the table together and head straight to one of the unused bedrooms. After having looked at each other all night, they think it’s time to have a private conversation in a place where no one else can see them. The conversation, though, turns out to not be what Gabriel was expecting.

Gabriel: So, how about we carry on from where we left off? I know I’ve been missing you in the house *leans in closer* and I’m looking forward to you staying longer…

China: Actually, Gabriel… this is lovely and all, but can we talk?

Gabriel: Of course! You know I love a good talk to ease us into things.

China: Well… I don’t think there are going to be any things happening tonight. At least not between us.

Gabriel: Why? What’s going on?

China: Gabriel, look. I really do like you, and lord knows that I would love to get on you right now, but I can’t do it in good conscience. You’re into someone else.

Gabriel: I mean, I am married and everything but I explained it all to you…

China: No, I’m not talking about your mess of a marriage. I’m talking about Louise!

Gabriel: What?! I… I’m not into her like that, what are you talking about?

China: Honey, it’s obvious. You looked like someone told you Santa Claus didn’t exist when she started gushing about her new boy, and I can read you so well. You’re very into her and you don’t know how to approach it.

Gabriel: I… I’m really not!

China: I really wish I could believe that. You need to get over whatever hangup you have and go for it, she’s a good girl and I know that she’s into you. Just go for it, damn it! Stop hemming and hawing and just do it already! But I’m not about to sleep with you when I know that this is going on. It’s not fair to her or to you, or to myself either. Get it together, boy, and do the right thing!

Gabriel is at a loss for words and just sits there. China soon heads out to prepare for the challenge, and as she’s leaving the room she turns around and sees Gabriel looking forlorn, so she turns back, kisses his forehead, and strokes his hair for a few moments. He smiles but remains silent and looks back down at the floor. China leaves the room and soon the whole house is either sleeping or preparing for the roast challenge.

***

Todd: I’m not sure if I’m ready for this challenge. Coming up with clever jokes about the other contestants is not easy! I hope I do well, but I’m really not sure I’m going to do a good job. Either way, it should be interesting to see how this goes! We’re all gathered at this nice bar on a gorgeous deck, and it’s going to be a fun day! I feel like one of us is missing, though…

ajmkv: Good morning housemates! I hope you’ve gotten some good rest, because today is going to be hot. Y’all will be roasting in here! Get it? Roasting? Hehehehe… anyway, let me explain how this roast is going to work! We’re going to have five rounds, and the winners from each round will continue on to battle another contender until we have one winner in this roast challenge!

Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering how this comeback will work. Well, the eliminated contestants will be battling each other in pairs during Round 1. Round 2 is going to be where the winners of the first round face off against each other and the winner of this round will continue along, battling against the contestants still in the running! If the comeback contestant makes it to at least Round 4, then he or she will officially be back in the competition! So comeback babes: make sure to get to Round 4 or you won’t even have a chance to nab a spot back in the competition!

China: Yessssssss, you all heard that? I’m going to be gunning for that spot, everyone! Bring your A-game!

Mitchell: This will be interesting, that’s for sure.

Enzo: But where is—

ajmkv: And today, dear housemates, we’re going to have a special guest judge! It is going to be essential to impress this judge, because she’s going to be deciding who the winner of each roast battle is! Make her laugh, and maybe you’ll be moving to the next round! Get on her bad side, though, and you might find yourself knocked out of the competition. Don’t doubt for a second that this special judge is going to scrutinize your every move!

Charlee: *voiceover* ajmkv’s all like blah blah blah, talking talking talking, and it’s all so boring. Get the party started already! I, for one, am dying to see who this mythical guest judge is going to be. I bet she’s going to be a complete cow.

ajmkv: Now, everyone. I want you to give a big K&GI welcome to your guest judge for this challenge. She’s juicy, she’s a goddess, and she’s here to serve some scathing critiques with a side of fruit salad… it’s…

ENCA!

Marjan: What the turtle is going on? Enca is going to be judging us today? But how can she do that and compete at the same time?

Patricio: *voiceover* This is amazing. After last night, I’m sure that Enca is going to be really supportive of me. I may have this challenge in the bag!

Enca: That’s right! Did y’all really think I was going to try and get back into this thing when I quit? Hell no! So when the producers came to me trying to get me back in this, we came up with this twist. I mean, you should have seen the faces of the contestants when I walked out there in my best black widow lewk… you just know there are going to be some murders on that stage tonight, honey, and I’m going to be the judge, jury, and executioner!

ajmkv: Let’s settle down everybody! Now, Enca is going to be judging each one of you, so make sure you make a good impression. She can decide whatever she wants, so you better hope your reads are on point. With all of that out of the way, let’s get this started with Round 1! First up in a battle are Patricio and China. Let’s get to roastin’!

China: Hey y’all! How is everyone doing today? *a couple people cheer* Ugh, really? I’ve seen more animated crowds during corporate lawsuits. I said, how is everyone doing today? *everyone cheers, infected with China’s bubbly enthusiasm*

Patricio: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, what’s up everyone? Are you ready to be ROASTEDDDD?

*silence*

China: Yes, yes, this is perfect. You see, Patricio is from Mexico y’all, from the beach, and you know he likes his humor like he likes his surfboards: flat!

Patricio: Hey!

China: Yes, yes, almost as flat as his ass, honey! I’m surprised Enca even went for someone so flat when she’s so curvy—maybe she wanted that large, flat expanse to serve as a platter for her fruit salad? These are the questions I need answers to!

Enca: *giggling* Honey, it’s not ALL flat if you know what I mean!

China: And that’s where this ENDS. Ain’t no one want to think about miseries!

Patricio: I’ll have you know that there is no misery happening down there.

China: You’re right, you’re right: the misery is actually going to be all over the face of whichever girl you’re desperately hounding…

Patricio: Well, at least I’m not some boring lawyer! Where do you go to flirt, China? In the courthouse? Do you pound the judge’s gavel, if you know what I mean?

China: Oh sweetie… is that really the best you’ve got? Do I need to say the word flat again? *everyone laughs*

Patricio: The only flat thing here is… is… your face! Like a pancake!

Charlee: *yelling at Patricio* Booooooooo, YOU SUCK!

Patricio continues to attempt to make jokes about China, but it is clear that he hasn’t prepared anything. China, on the other hand, has many witty comebacks and easily demolishes any quip Patricio makes. Everyone cheers for her, and her smile grows bigger and bigger. Everyone is loving her affable yet shady personality.

Jessie: *voiceover* And then Enca actually chose China to win! I was surprised because I thought that since Enca and Patricio seemed to be getting back together, she would give him the win, but she didn’t! I was pleasantly surprised, I really wanted to see China win. She was everything! I hope I don’t have to go against her because she would be ruthless with me!

Patricio: And I lost… I mean, I’m disappointed because I’m not coming back into the competition, but what else could I have done? I was too busy with Enca last night to really prepare and that’s worth so much more… I’m not even mad she didn’t choose me. Oh well!

***

Next up are Mitchell and Todd. Mitchell is very at ease with the audience, which is surprising to almost everyone, since he always came off as very timid. Here, however, he’s cracking joke after joke and having fun with it. It’s quite the sight.

Mitchell: You know, guys like Todd scare me. They come sniffing around your door and you’re like *makes a funny face*. When did my net worth get updated? Is it time to get an alias?

Charlee: Oooooh, yessss, rip into ha!

Todd: It’s funny that you say that I scare you because, um, you scare me even more! With that strange tattoo on your arm and your penchant for crazy—we’ve all seen Marjan, haven’t we?—I think that you’re definitely a man that has nothing to lose!

*silence*

Mitchell: Huh. OK. *turns to face the audience* This is coming from the guy who also doesn’t have anything to lose… because everything he owns belongs to some rich sugar daddy. *people laugh* Isn’t that right, Todd?

Todd: Well, you know what they say, sugar daddies are the way to go when you’re young, hung, and quick with your tongue! *people giggle*

Mitchell: …and clearly full of dung. *people clap and laugh* And a little high-strung? *more laughter* And with an iron lung? IDK y’all, these are all the useless rhymes I have… brung.~

*cheers* 

Enca: *voiceover* I really didn’t expect Mitchell to do so well, but he really knocked it out of the park! So silly and clever, he had me rolling. Todd had a couple cute moments, but he was outclassed and this was definitely Mitchell’s game. I couldn’t choose otherwise!

Todd looks crestfallen as he goes back to his seat, but Mitchell is smiling from ear to ear. He is very happy about his win, and he flashes Marjan a winning smile on his way back to his seat.

Next up are Enzo and Charlee. Charlee has been gloating the whole time that she’s going to do an incredible job, but once she’s up at the mic she looks nervous. Enzo takes advantage of this and decides to go all in.

Enzo: How do you solve a problem like Charlee? Like, yeah, sure, every show needs a villain, someone to rile the crowd up, but… *looks over at Charlee, confused* really? This is the best we could do? Girl wants to shade everyone but can’t even take a small quip back!

Charlee: Ha, ha, very funny—

Enzo: Like, have you seen her eyebrows? It’s like they were burned off by the intensity of the animosity toward her! *giggles in the crowd* But it’s OK, at least we also have Gabriel in the cast, and he can definitely donate some hair to repopulate Charlee’s brows. Lord knows that man could fill entire cushions with his body hair…

Charlee: Enzo, sweetie, you do know this is a roasting challenge, right? Like, if you’re going to read someone, you had better try to come up with something less weak. But, hey, I guess sentences look like the people who uttered them… and yours are like carbon copies: weak and dry, just like you!

Enzo: So yours are salty and crusty? *the audience laughs*

Charlee: Salty? And where are you getting that from?

Enzo: Charlee’s so salty, the entire economy of a small country could probably revolve around exporting her product!

Charlee: See, it’s hard for people like Enzo to understand true talent. Like China, he relies on his face to get what he wants.

China: *voiceover* Oh man… Charlee sucks. She’s doing an awful job! Everyone is just groaning. Even her attempting to come for me fell flat, it was terrible. She’s bad, Enzo is only slightly better, and everyone is just looking around, wondering when this will all end.

Enzo: OK, so I’ve coasted in certain aspects of my career thanks to my looks, but you know what? I’ve succeeded and I’ve flopped; I’ve taken good pictures and terrible ones; I’ve made friends and I’ve made enemies. At the end of the day, I’ve had good and bad, but it’s been fun. What does Charlee have? Please, tell me!

*the audience hesitates*

Come on, I’m waiting!

The housemates in the audience begin cheering and calling out various shady things.

Todd: Crippling self-doubt?

Matthieu: An unhealthy obsession with putting people down to make herself feel better?

Kyungri: A lack of funds to pay for a full facial replacement surgery?

Enzo: Well, she does have all of those things, I’m sure… but no, what I’m talking about is: Charlee has ambition, some—emphasis on SOME—sort of cleverness, and a cute face, I guess… too bad she sold her soul for a chance at reality TV success and squandered her chances by feeling threatened by an even more power-hungry robot…

…at least Kyungri’s brows are on point!

The audience goes crazy, cheering and laughing. Enzo knows that he wasn’t as clever or funny as he could be, but picking on Charlee was going for low-hanging fruit: just too easy, and the payoff was tremendous.

Enca: *voiceover* Listen, I know that neither of them were THAT funny but Enzo really tried to be ruthless with Charlee, and he was a little amusing. Charlee had it coming! And now I’m going to really love telling her that she’s going home…

Enca: Well, I’ve seen better performances at elementary school plays, but it was OK. Enzo, I appreciate you trying to make some jokes! It was better than Charlee just defending herself and calling out other people for no reason… so I’m going to have to give you the win, Enzo! Good job! Sorry, Charlee, your time here is REALLY up now. Bye girl.

Charlee: *voiceover* And so they told me I was done? After those weak statements parading as reads? Pffffff, OK. See, this is what happens when you put people like Enca in charge of judging. Just bad decisions across the board, that’s what. I’m upset that I didn’t make it back, but I’m confident in the knowledge that if it had been the fans choosing, they would have chosen me to come back. Isn’t that right, dear fans?…

~•~•~•~•~

Tune into Part IV here!