“The Girl Who Judges Everyone” (Part IV)

Afterwards, Enca calls out the three winners of the the first three battles: China, Enzo, and Mitchell. They go up to the stage, and compete in a three-way sudden death round. Enca rubs her hands together, excited to make the next cut.

China: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an interesting group of people for your consideration tonight. Enzo and Mitchell are worthy adversaries, honest. One has made a career of flashing a nipple here, a veneer over there, and the other is a well-adjusted mama’s boy, and both of them are commendable. *people laugh*

And me? I’m a great example of what you can get when you work hard, break your back climbing up the social ladder and jumping through hoops to prove that you’re a strong-ass woman: eliminated in thirteenth place on a silly reality show! *giggles* So why should I make it through instead of them? Well, that can easily be explained in just one sentence: they’re not me!

The audience laughs. Something about the way that China delivers her lines is enchanting, and everyone feels connected to her, willing to laugh at anything she says even though it may not be too funny. Her energy is positively contagious.

Enzo: I might not be China, but hey, at least I wasn’t the person who went home in a photoshoot challenge and then made the production team have to shoot the promos twice during the shooting of the season…

Some of the housemates giggle. They’re remembering how the production team made all of the eliminated contestants come back a couple weeks back to re-shoot the promotional images because some of them had committed fashion faux-pas in the original promo: Harrison not being able to dye his hair back to brown after having dyed it red for the third challenge, Jessie not bothering to take her sunglasses off, and China… being absolutely filthy in the original promo pictures. Enzo gets some claps as the housemates all groan, thinking about how ridiculous that whole situation was.

Mitchell: What shook me the most about those pictures was not that China was filthy, no, it was the fact that Enca looked like she was holding on to Patricio and he was giving a sign to someone in the audience to save him! I was like, someone please get this boy a life jacket because this girl is going to pull him under!

Enca does not look impressed at this, but other people laugh.

Enca: All right, all right, I think I’ve heard enough! I told you all that this was going to be a sudden death round, and after having heard from each of you, I already know who I’m going to wave through to the next round…

…honestly, my choice is difficult, because I think each of you have what it takes to come back into the competition and really give the remaining contestants a run for their money. China, you’re fun, warm, and witty, and you got a bite to you that I love; Enzo, you’re beautiful and sweet, and you did so well in the competition, including in the week you were eliminated; Mitchell, it was really nice seeing you open up when you were here, and it’s great to see you so confident…

…but the person I’m going to choose to go through, both because I was impressed during this challenge and also because I’m a huge fan, is…

Enca: China. Congratulations, girl! I’ve loved seeing you in this competition, and I think you still have a lot to give. I’m honored that I get to choose you, and I hope that you do well in the next rounds because, remember, it’s still not 100% sure that you’ll make it back into the house!

China: Thank so much, everyone! Enca, thank you. I have so much more to give to you!

Enca: Girl, win one more round and you’ll be showing everyone just how much they’ve been missing!

Enzo: Ah… I really wanted to make it back, I felt like I almost had it! This isn’t how I wanted to go… I’m sad that I’m actually leaving now, and I know that Mitchell feels the same way. It’s all over our faces. I’m happy for China, though, she’s a really cool girl. I hope she goes very far to avenge us eliminated housemates!

Mitchell: I wanted to come back, I really did. There’s still so much more to show to everyone watching! But I’m OK with how I did, and what I’ve done. I’m such a shy person, coming here was already a huge challenge, and for me to have made it through several challenges and making friends was an accomplishment I’m proud of. Thanks everyone! It’s been real.

***

Round 3 of the roast challenge begins. Matthieu is paired with Louise, and they both look nervous. Matthieu isn’t used to this kind of humor, and Louise doesn’t think she’s very good at it, but they both try their best as they go along.

Matthieu: I try my very best to be as good as I can be. But it must be hard to succeed in a competition like this, looking like I do… it’s not like I have a bordering-on-bad look or interestingly terribly wardrobe choices like Louise did to create a storyline with! *some housemates start whooping and laughing*

Charlee: Ooooooh, get her!

Enca: You know, I’m loving this! Who would have expected Matthieu to make one of the best remarks of the night? Louise is lovely and smart, but we were aaaaaaall thinking the same thing when we saw her… looks… at the beginning of the competition. I think Matthieu’s onto something here!

Louise: OK, Matthieu is right. We’re both French, so in solidarity, I’m willing to accept his opinion. I mean, yeah! Fashion is very important where we come from, but honestly, I was raised in a little city in the countryside, and I think that what I used to serve was couture! I was working it, as you say. *people laugh*

Jessie: *calling out* Yes, you better work it, girl! Love you!

Louise: And, you know what? I may have had that little easy storyline to pick up and flesh out, but it’s quite brazen of Matthieu to call me out on it since he’s the king of coasting along the competition due to a storyline that keeps him in the running as long as he hams it up. Like, Matthieu, how many times have you been saved from elimination because people want to see you humping *makes quote signs with her fingers* “Harribae”? Hmmm?

Matthieu: Um, well… I… well…

Charlee: Someone grab a cane and pull him off! He’s done!

Matthieu: *voiceover* I just froze, I wasn’t expecting to hear something like that. Is that what people really think of me? That I’m extending my time here by riding on Harry’s coattails?…

Gabriel: *voiceover* It was all over for Matthieu after that comment… he just kept stumbling over his words and looking over at Harrison. It was sad! But I was happy for Louise, she really went somewhere unexpected and stood her ground. I really enjoyed watching her, she looked great and was just perfect…

Harrison: And then Enca said Louise won! I mean, I don’t blame her… but that means that Matthieu is done with this challenge and might be in the bottom! I don’t want him to be in the bottom. *sniffs*

Jessie and China go next.

Jessie: Hey China, I’m happy you’re back! But remember, you have to get through me to really be back in the competition.

China: *looks at the audience with a confused look on her face* Um. *looks around* Um… *scratches her head* I’m sorry, what? I’m looking for the challenge in what you just said, but I can’t seem to find any!

The audience goes crazy, laughing at China’s dig. Jessie smiles grudgingly, seemingly accepting that China is on a roll and won’t let up.

Jessie: You know, I wouldn’t underestimate me… remember how I can be sneaky, going behind you if you’ve been bad!

China: You mean how you conspired with the producers to bring back messy guests to the show to create drama? Oh honey… please.

Jessie: I’m a silent killer, after all! I almost won the last show I was on, so I know I’ll go far on this one!

China: Uh, OK. Listen, Jessie, I like you so I’m going to be frank with you. You’re a lovely girl, and I’m not surprised that fans like you. I like you! But I’ve also seen that you have a tendency to get beaten by the gays. I mean, yes, I do remember you on that other show, and I remember you got beat by a gay couple in the final episode. And here? Girl, you’re going to get beaten by another gay couple that have eaten up your screentime!

The funny thing with all of this is that not only will you get beaten, but they’re also getting beaten, likely by me. So… where does that leave you? Miss “I can win only when there isn’t a fan-favorite gay couple in the competition with me”. I’m rooting for you though, girl! Beat the gays, honey!

Todd: Where is the lie, though? I like Jessie, but she’s too vanilla for any of these competitions. People will always go for a big-eyed, handsome gay cutie in the cast before someone as low-key as Jessie. I should know, I’m dating a gay winner, and we all know that Harrison is going to go far… You know, Jessie made a mistake when she tried to hype herself up before making any sort of read. She should have just come for China instead of trying to scare her off! She’s no match for China.

Jessie: I don’t have anything to say to… that. 

China: That’s because you know it’s true! I mean, “silent killer”, OK, but make sure you put the emphasis on “silent”. *the housemates laugh* Like, how did you make it to the Top 7 in the first place? Because when it comes to being a personality people like to watch, you know, you have to give something… a personality, maybe?

Todd: Oooooh, ouchhhhhhhh!

Mitchell: I didn’t want to laugh because I can imagine what Jessie feels, I’m also kind of low-key, but… it was quite the spectacle to watch China just completely annihilate Jessie on that stage. I don’t think anyone was surprised to see Enca choosing China to move on.

China is announced as the winner, which means that she is officially back in the competition. She cheers, feeling great that she’s back. With her being added back into the cast, there are once again 8 housemates in the running.

***

Marjan and Kyungri are next. Kyungri has been sitting almost silently all night, just waiting for her moment to shine. Marjan has also been sitting quietly, not really paying attention to what’s happening. She seems worried.

Marjan: We all know that it’s hard to tease someone like Kyungri because… well, because she doesn’t seem to have many feelings to hurt! She’s protected by her big, plastic armor, and not even bullets can come in.

Kyungri: Says the girl who has done nothing but hide behind a front during this whole competition…

Marjan: What did you say?

Kyungri gives Marjan an intense side-eye, as if she’s just waiting for the right moment to drop a bomb. She then looks at the audience, and her expression completely changes.

Kyungri: *imitating Marjan* Hi! My name is Kyungri, and I’ve been loooooooving this amazing competition. It’s like floating on the back of a barnacle-encrusted whale in the hot summer ocean, and it’s magnificent! The fishes are jumping around my whale and nipping at my toes when I dip my feet in the water, and it makes me shiver. That’s how I feel in this competition when people call me things! I feel them but I don’t say anything because that’s what the lord turtle in the magazines told me! *giggles*

*goes back to being herself* Just what is hiding behind all this? It’s probably scandalous, like… a secret baby! Marjan, do you have a turtle baby daddy?

Enca: *voiceover* You know what? I bet Kyungri is right. I had also noticed how Marjan always acts just a little too chirpy and bubbly and frankly kind of dumb when she gets asked any personal questions. We’re onto something here! Plus, she looks shell-shocked right now, like she has nothing to say! On top of that, Kyungri is on fire. There were some people in the bar who walked out, right in front of Kyungri, and she was NOT having it.

Kyungri: Excuse me? Sir? Yeah, you, with the ponytail. Do you mind? This is the set of a private, exclusive show. The only thing exclusive about you is your style, sir. Exclusively ridiculous. Really? A sweater in this climate? Do you think that there’s a turtle daddy for Marjan somewhere in the ocean of sweat under your sweater? Because if not, could you please just walk off? *the man leaves sheepishly*

*Kyungri turns back to the housemates* I mean, with the audience here, and the guests showing up, it feels like we’re in an episode of Sesame Street, sponsored by the letter B. I’ll let you guess what the B stands for.

Marjan has been looking down during this whole exchange, and looks like she’s trying to shrink into the background.

Marjan: A baby? What.. a silly idea! I would never have a secret baby, what good would that do? And if that baby was missing, what even would that mean? These are all silly ideas, I would never! I would never put on a front, why even? It’s not like the eagle isn’t watching the snake, just, never! I would never. A baby?! *looks straight into the camera* But if he was missing, I hope he knows I’m doing everything to come to him. *shakes herself off* Plus, we all know Kyungri is just running on batteries right now and the fumes are getting to her, poor dear. Is there an electric outlet out here somewhere? She looks like she needs to be recharged. *giggles*

Everyone is silent, not knowing what exactly they just witnessed. Suddenly, people start laughing, clapping their hands.

China: Damn, that’s like watching dinner theatre gone bad. I love her, she’s my good friend, but I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with her.

Patricio: She’s hilarious! I’m loving watching this. And also, didn’t you use to live with her?

China: Yeah, but she’s never been this strange at home before. Something’s happened!

Patricio: I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough, doesn’t she tell you everything?

China: I used to think so…

Enca looks a little confused by what happened, but she doesn’t even take a minute to decide who she wants to win the battle. Marjan was just too weird for her, and she declares Kyungri the winner.

Kyungri: *voiceover* Yessssss, the good gods of good fortune are looking down on me. Shaman unnie above, I’m going to make this challenge my own, and I’m going to take everyone else down. I can already see myself going all the way to the end! The others just have to watch out because this gizibe is gunning for them.

Harrison and Gabriel are the next pair.

Gabriel: Now, we all know that Harrison is a cute guy. Look at him! Anyone would love to take him into their room and just curl up with him like a cuddly kitten.

Harrison: And that’s bad why?

Gabriel: Oh, not bad at all! But one day that kitten will grow up and scratch the hell out of you, and you’re not going to be happy about it. And it’s out with the kitten!

Harrison: Where is this oh so clever allegory going?

Gabriel: Um, well, I’m just saying that you have to watch out for the sweet ones because they’re going to, um, scratch you and it’s not going to be so cute…

Todd: Come on, Gabz! You can do better!

Charlee: Yeah, booooooooooooo!

Harrison: I’m flattered that Gabriel finds me cute. Do y’all think this is his way of flirting with me?

Patricio: The truth comes out! Yeeeeeee.~

Harrison: Because, I mean, obviously I’m not interested, sorry Gabriel. But hey! It’s not like you haven’t dipped and double-dipped your banana chip while you’ve been here… a Latin daddy being the Don Juan figure of the house? Oh, never!… And what about that rivalry with Enzo? What’s that all about? I mean, you already have his ex-wife and his spot in the competition, what else could you possibly want? Or is this also you trying to flirt with another gay guy here?… Tsk tsk!

Enzo: *voiceover* Harrison’s being a little… rude! I didn’t expect this from him. I don’t know if it’s comedy material, and honestly, almost no one here tonight has had funny statements, sorry about it, but I can’t help smirking a little. It does me good to see Gabriel being criticized by someone other than me! I mean, I like the guy but… this is so… satisfying. *laughs* Sorry Gabz!

Matthieu: *voiceover* Of course Enca chose Harrison to move on. My man won! Gabriel just couldn’t really pull anything out of his pocket for this one, and it showed that he wasn’t really into the game. If I couldn’t go on to the next round, I’m thrilled that Harrison can. I’m so happy!

~•~•~•~•~

Tune into Part V here!