I am Enca.
I am well known worldwide for my pop music career, and performing is my universe.
The feeling I get when I’m on stage is like nothing else in the world. I go out there, hear my music playing, and I get a rush like nothing else. It’s intense. It’s thrilling. It’s my life.
Performing is everything, yes, but at the same time it’s not. I’ve never limited myself. Not in my career, not in my friendships, and not in my heart. My love is like a disco ball, glittering in the night club: bright, strong, and always at the center of everything. It’s multifaceted and beautiful. It’s precious and essential.
And I gave it away.
He was a shining light for me. We created a world where only we mattered, and we built ourselves up from there. We grew every day, like plants under the sun. He put his love on my body, called me goddess, and my heart bowed down to him. We were inseparable.
His eyes weren’t mine, though. And it turns out, neither was his heart. He had other plans. It happens, but it almost broke me. It didn’t. I am so many other things.
I am a friend. Friendships are treasures, and I have been blessed with many. It’s funny, really: I focus so much on my art, on my heart, but the other things that truly bring me joy I always dismissed. Luckily, it wasn’t too late for me and I’ve been able to develop these bonds, and my heart keeps growing.
These friendships, they brought me up out of the darkness. Like a beautiful song that’s all about me, they made the world better. Suddenly, things started to be multicolored again. I was grateful, so grateful, but my greatest disappointments still weighed heavy on my heart.
Why couldn’t I hold on to the thing I wanted the most? It seems like distractions abounded, for everyone including me. No one can ever hold anything forever, but I really thought I could. And I didn’t forgive, that choice never even registered in my mind. I was a fool, a devil and a fool.
But I’m still here, and so are my fans.
I am an inspiration to many. Coming from so little and managing to create an iconic name and a glittering career. I would say that my fans are my biggest admirers, but that position belongs to me: I am my own biggest fan. And how could you blame me? In my music, I ask everyone: “Do you like it?” And I always answer myself, yes. Yes I do.
And so, I continue along with my life, doing what I love and sharing these loves with everyone else. It’s one of life’s biggest pleasures, sharing my thoughts with other people. When they tell me that I help just by being myself and by sharing my insight, I get a rush like no other. Life is good.
And yet, the negative thoughts creep constantly. I could be on my stage, or giving an interview, or signing autographs for my followers, and suddenly I’ll be transported to that negative headspace. And it’s not conducive to a goddess mentality. How can I ask other people to call me goddess when I can’t even call myself that? A goddess doesn’t have self-doubts, she doesn’t have negativity in her mind and in her heart.
And so, I drown the negativity with other distractions. I play a role on television, in my shows, in interviews. I lose myself a little bit more every day, but I keep holding on to the one thing that I can’t move on from. And it kills me. Like a heartbreaking ballad, it kills me. I pour out my heart in my music like I pour glass after glass when I’m alone. It helps sometimes, but after each show I’m left alone, pining for what I want.
Choices have always been easy for me. I chose to put myself in the spotlight, I chose to develop myself, and I chose to be the best woman I could be. All for myself, and for my fans. For the people who admire a relatable idol. I could have chosen to be anything, yet I love what I chose. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling that the next choice I have to make is going to be the most difficult of my career. Of my life, really.
For what is this beautiful, glittering, disco ball of a career without someone to share it with? Is forgiveness really that difficult? How can I really give my fans what they want if I can’t give it to myself?
He broke many things, after all. But in the beginning, he was kind. He saw me after the shows, the public appearances, the interviews. And he loved me. He made many mistakes, but can he really not be forgiven? If my heart tells me I should move on and really mend this relationship I hold so dear, then why am I denying it? It’s clear to me now that this choice was made by every part of my body before my brain gave in and agreed.
Because I am Enca, after all. I am a performer. A friend, an idol, an inspiration. And more than all that, I am a lover. I love loving; I love being loved. My choices have never let me down, and I’m going to choose to continue to believe in them. In the end, if this choice is the wrong one… well, I’ll be able to say that I chose with my heart, and that’s all that matters.